Beat It Kid

I experienced something disturbing today, something I fear may become a habit if I don't take care of it immediately.


Let me digress for a minute. About a month after I moved in I noticed this little girl always loitering on her bicycle in our parking lot. I'll call her Arianna for the sake of keeping it real. Arianna is very talkative and is really like the unofficial mayor of building 12. She asks a lot of questions. I don't like 9-year-olds who ask a lot of questions.



Anyway, Arianna spends a lot of time in her garage playing, drawing, eating boogers. Whatever dirty little kids do by themselves these days. When she sees you drive by, bam, she's on her bike and by your side before you can open your car door. She's always asking questions. Always.


Arianna - "Did you just move in?"

Me - "No."

Arianna - "Have you moved all of your stuff in? Can I help you bring anything up the stairs?"
Me - "No. I'm good."



And so it goes.



This has gone on for about two weeks now. She's told me all about the people who live around me. She's told me about her mother (also named Dana). She's told me she lives with her grandma. She's told me she's a Christian. She's told me she has to play outside after school which, I infer, means that she annoys the hell out of grandma and is forced to stay outside until the sun goes down.



Arianna - "Ken and Trish downstairs, they're really nice. They're Christians. I'm a Christian. Are you a Christian?"

Me - "I don't know. I guess so."



And so it goes.



Well, tonight I turned into my parking lot and saw the garage was up. So, instead of driving past the garage and parking where I normally park, I whipped into an open spot before the garage. After all, I figured she'd be distracted with the guy who pulled up in the black Honda Civic. She was already on her bike and after him. That's when she spotted me. Stared me down. Dared me to get out of my car. What was I supposed to do? I had to go inside at some point.



So I open the car door trying desperately to avoid eye contact. She wheels on up anyway.



Arianna - "We're always running into each other."
Me - "Oh yeah?"

Arianna - "Are you all moved in? Did you get everything out of your mom's van?"

Me - "I think so. Yeah."

Arianna - "Oh there's my grandma, grandma this is the girl I was telling you about. Her name's Dana."
Pam - "Oh hi Dana."
Me - "Nice to meet you."


Grandma Pam continues on the path to the trash compactor leaving me with the annoying little kid.



Arianna - "I bet your place is really nice isn't it?"
Me - "It's getting there."
Arianna - "Is it just like Ken and Trish's?"
Me - "Probably."
Arianna - "I bet it's really pretty. Can I come up and see?"
Me - "I guess so."


Now at this point I'm fully annoyed. Who walks into a stranger's house like this? Hasn't this kid seen the after school specials? Jesus. And just like that, Arianna is inside my house rubbing her dirty hands all over my couch, my walls, my pictures. That's when I grab my phone and send out a mass text, a cry for help, to which everyone chuckled I'm sure.



Arianna - "This is really pretty. Did you paint this yourself?"
Me - "Yup."
Arianna - "I wish I could paint my room. This reminds me of a watermelon. So you actually OWN this place?"
Me - "Uh huh."
Arianna - "Wow. So that's really cool. You look just like my mom. Just like my mom."

Me - "Really? Don't say that. I don't have any kids!"

Arianna - "So, you don't want kids huh?"
Me - "I didn't say that. I just said I don't have any kids!" (I break eye contact as I reach down for the phone one more time.)
Arianna - "You want me to go don't you."
Me - (Now I feel guilty.) "Well, you don't have to, but I've got to get some studying done!"

Arianna - "Okay. I'll go. I'll see ya later."

Me - "Yup."



I feel bad for her. I really do. I don't know what her story is or why she lives with her grandma. It's obvious she just wants a little attention. But she's asking the wrong girl. I don't have time to be someone's surrogate mommy. I barely have time to take care of myself. They have programs for this kid, programs like Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Check into that.


Speaking of checking into something...I think this is pretty weird.


My downstairs neighbors seem really nice. I've now officially met Ken and Trish. They have a screen door which is always open. You can look directly into their place every time you walk up the stairs to mine.

It's a little awkward. But I have now mastered the art of being able to walk up the stairs without looking to my right. I usually have to distract myself with a phone call or text message. But it works.


Anyway. I learned the other day that they were checking up on me. Last Saturday was the River Run race in downtown Jacksonville. I left the house around 6:30 to make the 8:30 start. Fast forward to Sunday. I can't walk but want to get out to see the space shuttle Discover take off (which was awesome.) Kim comes and brings the pooch who is afraid to go upstairs. Somehow he makes it up the first flight but just can't make the turn up to my place. Kim is stuck on the second floor with the nosey neighbors. Like all good dog people, Ken and Trish let their mutt out to meet Kim's mutt. Kiss, kiss, sniff, sniff, whatever.



Ken sees me hobbling around and asks me, "So, did you run the race yesterday?"

Me - "Yup. Sure did."

Ken - "My wife mentioned that you left at like 6am. And when I saw you come back I told her, honey, I know why she left at 6am...she ran the race."

Me - "Yup. Sure did."



Am I wrong to be bothered by this? Ken and Trish keeping tabs on my whereabouts? I guess it's part of the neighborhood watch program and all, but gee whiz. They didn't even have their glass screen door open when I left. How the hell did she know I left the house so early? And why do they care?


I guess it doesn't matter. At least if I get hacked to death I won't be missing in my apartment for too many days. Ken and Trish will call the police before I start to stink the place up.